(first published Nov 2007)
In the last few weeks, 3 of my 5 children have acquired a Webkinz and so much frivolity, merriment, and all out stuffed chaos has ensued. I was just having a conversation with my oldest about her monkey ChiChi. I was reprimanded because I kept calling it a HE when of course it is a SHE. All my girls’ stuffed toys are female, “of course Mom, because we’re girls!” I am informed.
But growing up, I imagined all my herd of stuffed toys to be male. Every last one of them. I just tried to picture myself loving, hugging, and bonding with a “female” teddy bear, or horse, or octopus 🙂 as a child and I just couldn’t.
I can’t even picture it now. I almost feel repulsion, a kind of anxiety. Like I can’t let myself relax and be comforted by a female. Maybe I am being totally goofy, but I wonder if this is some kind of protective mechanism due to losing one mom and having another that was sort of standoffish and, well, bitter about a lot of things. I think in general I refuse to be close and comforted, but especially by something “female”.
Silly, I know, but it’s what I feel…