An aha moment

(first published Jan 2007)

I hope this makes sense, because I’m trying to get it down while the kids are milling around and dinner is about to implode, lol.

I was looking at a beautiful home of a fellow blogger, again musing about the fact that I thought she had “style” and I did not have a style – at least not one I could define and bring into my home to make it an expression of myself. I started thinking about how I do SO much here because it would make my dh happy, even when it is against what I would naturally choose…actually most of our time together is like that. I love him SO deeply it is worth it to give to him like that… BUT…

it hit me all of a sudden the reason I feel such a DEEP need for a “style,” a specific mark I can make on this world, a visible/tangible mark of ME, is that I fear that when I get to the end of my life, I will feel like I never existed if I don’t have that. Without those ties to my past – that feeling of being part of a line of humanity that goes into the past and the future, I feel like I have to make myself up with “my things” and “my ways”. Giving up my choice of night time entertainment so that I can pay attention to dh and watch his shows or talk to him or whatever – or doing anything and everything the way would make others happy instead of me – it’s such a big deal to me. It’s like by dying to self I just cease to exist. There is no “self” to die to or something, and I’m just a blank nothing, not a holy person loving another.

I wish I could explain this better. I think this is the tip of the iceberg of a lot of problems I’m having here with relating to my family and my God. Because these feelings aren’t stopping me from doing these things (i.e. do what others want, not me), they are just stopping me from feeling whole, being happy, being real, existing, being…

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