Being second best

(first published Jan 2010)

Just wanted to jot down a few feelings on this as they have been swarming in my brain lately. Many of which seem to contradict my last post. 😉

I feel like being adopted always puts us in that situation of “second best” — or how it really feels to me: “almost good enough, but not really.”   Having been a voracious reader, TV watcher, and then going through a season of infertility myself where I became friends with many people on a message board discussing the matter, I could see how much people want their own biological child.  It seems extremely rare to find a couple that wants to adopt as a FIRST CHOICE.  I know my own parents tried for many years, visiting doctors, etc.

So growing up, I got the feeling that my parents, and any other sane couple for that matter, were only *settling* for this adoption thing.  I see the extreme lengths people will go to to have a child.   “We really wanted Child X, Amy, but since we couldn’t have her, we’ll take  you.”  How can that make a person feel good about themselves??  Of course they don’t typically SAY this out loud – they say, “We are so lucky to have you!”  (which is true!) but then you hear the facts of their lives – that they spent years trying (to have a biological child, not to adopt) and finally gave up that dream (of What They Really Wanted) and started the “frustrating and grueling adoption process”, and I go right back to feeling second class, second rate.  It also brings up the thought to my mind that if my parents HAD succeeded in getting pregnant, I would not be welcome in their lives. That’s a (silly but) scary thought to a child.

How can I say in one post that adoption is the “good” of a bad situation, and in the next post say adoption makes a person feel second rate?  Well, really, it’s not the adoption part here again that is the problem, it’s society’s obsession with biological children above all else.

Funny how some of these same people who will do almost anything for a biological child will turn around and say NO WAY JOSE when it comes to having more than 2, and be outright enraged that I am encroaching on their oxygen reserves with my 5.  But that is a rant for another day and another blog, lol.


It's lovely to have you here. Please keep comments respectful of the adoptees who read here. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

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