(first published Jan 2011)
Perhaps it needs to be pointed out again, that inside every adoptee is a baby or child who suffered the loss of a mother and the attachment to her.That damaged child and the hole in our heart we always carry, never leaves us.While we can deny, receive therapy, counselling and skilled help, do what we have to do, we will, like others who suffer trauma, carry damage and vulnerability.When the trauma is multiple, as in adoption, that wounded child needs to be treated with compassion, patience, care and love.
There is nothing that deconstructs me more, that sends me into a huge anxiety filled tailspin, than when I am hurting and tell someone I’m hurting, and they get all defensive and lash out at me. COMPASSION. CARE. PATIENCE. LOVE. I can’t say it enough! I’m already hurting (or I wouldn’t be complaining to you) , don’t smack me again with your harshness and frustration with me. This just “proves” to me that I *am* bad and I *am* unlovable and I *should* feel awful…and so I’ll complain even more, because I’m hurting more NOW than when I started the conversation! (and to someone who is reading this…you are not the only one, so don’t think I’m talking about you necessarily – this is just a general admonition for those that know adoptees, or anyone hurting, really).
:: just to prove that I am not being holier than thou, and that God always makes me see clearly what I’m blogging by smacking me upside the head with it — my 5yo just walked over and complained about school. I got exasperated with her. I need to learn what I speak!!! I know! ::
You know what everyone in this world could use more of? People who say, “I’m really sorry you are hurting” when someone tells them of suffering and pain. Or even, “I get it, I’ve been in a similar situation.” Not “that’s nothing,” “that shouldn’t hurt” or “what do you want me to do about it? (in *that* tone of voice) or “you need to move on” or “(sigh and eye roll) we’ve talked about this already.” A few–OK, *many* — well placed smiles and expressions of “this must be hard for you, I’m sorry” or “can I help?” or “you sound stressed, would you like me to (whatever that person likes)” would turn this world around.