I had two probably unrelated “weird” experiences today:  first, I was driving my daughter to youth group, and there is a place where you wait at a light, and both the middle and left lanes are able to turn left. 99% of the time I go into the middle lane and mindlessly make the turn.

Today for some reason while I was waiting for the light to change, I got triggered by something my daughter said to start thinking about my first mother and imagine sitting in a restaurant with her.  So the light changes and I shake that off and start turning.  A second into the turn, I can’t remember which lane I started from (you must stay in your lane when you turn or you’ll cause and accident) and I panic. I look around wildly to see where the other cars are (luckily — and strangely– there weren’t any) and I finish the turn onto a four lane road (two lanes going each way).

All this to say — a few seconds later I had the weirdest feeling that I was actually physically in one lane, in my car, driving it and seeing everything I *should* be seeing from that vantage point, but some how energetically/psychically/psychologically in the next lane over.  Or like I was in both places.  It took over a mile of driving down that road to shake that feeling.  I wonder if it started *before* the turn and that’s why I couldn’t figure out which lane I was turning from.  I wonder if it was somehow triggered by the thoughts about my mother. They were brief but very strong and emotional.  Just weird.

So the next thing is adoption related but probably has nothing to do with the weird dissociation thing I did up there ^^.

A little backstory – I have never been good at finishing things. Growing up I always had to leave a bite on my plate even if I was still hungry.  I hated when shows or books ended, and tended to start things like drawings, stories, projects but not know how to finish them.

So was washing the dishes tonight after dinner. Our dishwasher is broken and dishes tend to pile up. All the kids have been sick and I’ve been exhausted. It is very common for me to wash a few, start to get tired, start to get whiny about the whole situation, and quit, leaving those few to dry.

Tonight I had been washing for a few minutes for the second or third time that day. I saw that I was nearing the end and started to get this big emotional feeling that I was “just done” and needed to stop now.  I tried to examine the feeling. What was going on and why?

I had this instant insight that growing up I felt that if I finished my dinner, that would have been a good time to get rid of me.  If I left that food, somehow technically I was “still eating,” things were still in processes and not ending (even as my mother was taking my plate away and I was saying with my words that I was done).  To me, that would be a silly time to be told it was all over…hey, I’m “still eating,” it can’t be over yet.  Being done with anything was also a “good” time to be judged, which I got a lot of.  Yes, I was also judged for not eating my dinner or finishing my drawing, but to me I guess being judged for not finishing was worlds better than being judged for somehow doing it “wrong.”

Fast forward to tonight and I realize I’m still doing it.  I don’t want things to end, I don’t want closure.  Closure feels like panic, like death to me. If I keep everything in process, I’m somehow safe and somehow feel that any judgement must be wrong and not valid, because “I’m not done yet.”

I’m typically very aware of why I’m doing things as I’m a very strong INFP and we tend to be hyperaware of human nature and the meanings behind behavior. But this insight was not something that I was cognitively aware of, at all, until tonight.  That being said, I think it’s ringing pretty true.

I apologize for this overly parenthetical and quotation-marked post…the grammar policeman in me is cringing, LOL.  It’s the best I could do to try to explain something that barely made sense to even me. 🙂

Advertisements

It's lovely to have you here. Please keep comments respectful of the adoptees who read here. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s