I’ve always wondered if my adoption and upbringing trauma changed my personality in big ways. You know, like I would have been one thing on the Myers-Briggs but instead am something else because I became such a people pleasing mess that I’ve obliterated who I really should have been.
Do I really care deeply about people or am I just trying subconsciously to save my skin? Am I really a type B or am I such a defeated perfectionist because for my parents I couldn’t even close the drapes right without someone coming behind me every night to fix it? Am I really a peacemaker or do I simply know nothing else other than walking on eggshells?
Who am I?
As I try and try again to heal and find the real me, I do feel myself changing.
I’ve always felt like an extreme introvert, but perhaps it’s just been my way to stay safe, to chill after being mostly around people that truly didn’t care about me, didn’t want to hear what I had to say. I have one friend now that is great, who cares and would truly listen, but I’d say even up until a few years ago even my husband was just kind of “not getting it” — it’s a personality thing (darn those INTJs who can’t ever be wrong, LOL!!)
Anyway, yesterday I finally had what I consider a “good day.” A few things went right which is a few things more than usual. I found a make up that covers a big scar on my face (trust me this is a huge deal!) and my daughter was unusually wonderful and “on” for her birthday. And *I* was not internally melting down like I usually do on my kids birthdays. So fast forward to that night and we are all playing a board game, one I thought would be difficult and stupid but was actually very fun. We were all laughing and I felt included. I was really *there* and *present* and it was good. So it wound down and the game ended and everybody retreated to their corners like good little introverts….and I’m like, “Hey! I feel like going out and doing something! Where is everyone I want to party!”
Huh??? Who *IS* this person? I felt energized by being with people and when the game was over I wanted to be with more people!
Is there a closet extrovert inside me wanting to get out?