I just finished reading an old article about the now deceased Scott Weiland (musician). He’d had a long history with drugs and alcohol. He said:
I have this dark place. It’s a place of loneliness. It’s a place of complete shame and self-hatred, where I deserve to feel all alone because I’m the one who has caused me to feel the pain that I feel, the loneliness and the sorrow that I feel. And I feel like I deserve to feel that way.
I know where it comes from. It comes from my parents divorcing, you know, abandonment and all that. And it also comes from a lot of guilt and shame. And I guess feeling that you caused that feeling yourself becomes its own self-perpetuating thing; it takes on a life of its own.
You know, abandonment and all that.
It made me realize, that even with some “advances” in people understanding that adoption is traumatic, I don’t think there is enough realization of this…this shame. This belief that something inherent within me (because it couldn’t be something I *did* – I was too young) is so awful that it caused an entire clan of people, and all their support systems, to recoil from me and run away.
You can tell me until I’m blue in the face that that isn’t true, and I can shake my head and nod that that makes logical sense. I can even say it out loud, and tell that to others in their situations. I know it’s not *their* fault.
But deep down, deep deep down, I will never believe you. I KNOW it’s something inside me.
I hope more advances can be made in this area. Not just telling someone it’s not their fault, but convincing them beyond a shadow of a doubt.