(Trigger warning: I mention sexual assault, not an actual one but a reference to that feeling)
This post may be a little too woo-woo for some, LOL, in fact it is more “out there” than I usually get even in my own off-internet life.
I was reading a book that briefly mentioned talking to angels, and how to go about doing that. I do believe in angels, but don’t think I’ve ever spoken out loud and addressed them by a “title” the way this book said to do (i.e. “Angel of Mercy,” “Angel of Relationship”, etc). I also believe in demons (fallen angels) so I also spoke out loud that it should be an angel that worships God that I am addressing, just to be safe! The last thing I need is more demons in my life.
Anyway, back to my life – I had a huge, overdue falling out with my adoptive father a few weeks ago. Besides, or more like “on top of” the relinquishment, his mental health (or lack of it) has been a big source of trauma in my life. I spoke to the angel and said, “Angel of Relationship, I need help,” and rattled on about how being in any sort of relationship with my adoptive father was painful and being away from it was also painful. And then I said something that has been mulling around in my brain lately, “He’s not even my father! I was forced to be in this awful relationship with him!”
My father, if I had to diagnose him, has borderline personality disorder with a heavy dose of narcissism. He’s very possessive in his relationships, extremely clingy, and demands they run a certain way with a certain amount of attention paid to him (i.e. all of it, LOL). His hugs are bear hugs that don’t let go when you are done, not until HE is done. There is so much more but it’s not the point of this post.
I realized in that moment how much being in relationship with him felt like assault, almost like some kind of psychic rape, since it was relational, and painful, and forced. I did not ask to be in a relationship with him, I didn’t WANT to be in a relationship with him — for 20-ish years I was stuck there, as I was a child, for 20+ more I stuck around because both parents had shamed me into staying and I had that underlying thought that A) I should be thankful to be adopted, and B) good people honor their parents. I know biological children are also stuck with their parents, but the added stress of the adoption fueled the fire, primed me for relational stress, and it’s just *different*.
It’s different like this – think about getting a present, a nice new…I don’t know….expensive kitchen appliance you’d been wanting for years. One with all the bells and whistles. Getting it and finding it doesn’t work well is like having biological parents who are difficult. Getting it, realizing your neighbor stole the one delivered to your front porch and replaced it with her broken one (and there’s nothing you can do about it) is like having adoptive parents who are difficult. Not only does your kitchen appliance not work, but you wanted the one that was supposed to be YOURS, and you are angry at your neighbor, and feeling shaken up that something was stolen from you, and are worked up because you always thought that neighbor was your friend and now you’ve lost a friend.
So back to the “psychic assault/rape,” I had never thought about it in such strong terms. I think I may have an angel to thank for that. No wonder I feel sick when I so much as see an email has come from him. It’s been 40+ years of being forced to be relational with him, forced to be nice, forced to be his adoring (cough) daughter. Shamed horribly for being anything less. Ugh. I’m feeling sick just writing all this so I’m going to wrap up and hope someone can make heads or tales of what I’ve written. If you’ve ever felt like this I’d love to hear your story.